Insight?
Lately I've been thinking about some stuff and sometimes what feels like the great insight that cracks the whole problem turns out to be no more than my strong opinion for a fleeting moment. Today I've been all over the emotional spectrum, mostly down in the dumps though despite doing some good things for my diet and preparing for job interviews. Normally i get a boost when I do something constructive. I'm writing down my current hypotheses here to review later.
1. to quit drinking I have to have a positive reason to stay sober. One that motivates my baser characteristics as this is the level of decision making I am at when I drink. In other words I've got to get mad at alcohol for what it's depriving me of, namely who I used to be. Who I thought I was. But that me was suicidal anyway, so perhaps this is a case that the goal has been achieved?
2. Much of it has to do with low self esteem. I'm constantly scared something bad is gonna happen if I step too far out of my shell. Things are not so great already though, so how much have I got to lose?
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Learning a little about the first one. To stop drinking, it needs to stop hurting. I made it to about 9PM tonight, used music which helps but I was nauseous, jittery, fever, pains, and derealization had set in. It's so easy to say if only I had X I would be happy. I want to say that about feeling stable within reality. If only I could be free from derealization and depersonalization, I wouldn't want to kill myself. But that's BS. I'd find some other pain to whine about. All I can say is it hurts but I still have hope that I am getting through this. I'm doing things to heal even if quitting cold turkey is clearly a pipe dream.
Right now, I feel like nobody cares. That's not true, I know. My boyfriend said I could live with him overseas if it gets desperate. The people on this site who have offered support and wisdom are also people who care otherwise they wouldn't take the time to write something. I guess it is the case that right now, it hurts so bad, I don't even know how to express it, so I go into angst mode even though I have evidence against it.
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