Solstice, that is an awful lot, and yes, it is quite enough!!!! :o

may I ask why you chose yer name?

I was thinking of the winter solstice -- the longest night of the year. It mirrored how dark I felt inside. How dark I still feel inside, and how much I hope for brighter days.

Im really sorry you have had enough - understandably so

Here and listening hun, and hope that brighter days reach you soon

Take care

how are things going with yer will?

are you able to consider getting out of this marraige and this job?

Sue, thank you for the hugs and the kind words. They mean more than you know.

Finding, I can't (won't?) really consider getting out of either the marriage or the job. I won't leave the marriage because I know all too well how much responsibility I bear for making it this way, and I just could not live with myself if I walked away after ruining everything. I feel it's on me to make it better. I just don't seem to be able to. Also, my husband does not work, and a divorce would result in financial mayhem for both of us.

And I really can't leave the job. I'm the only person bringing in any money, and there's nothing else available in my field that would not be a massive pay cut. Really, where I live, there's nothing else available in my field, period. And I'm not qualified to do anything else.

So here I am. Just wish I could figure out how to accept it all.

Interestingly, though, there's a solstice at the other end of the year, too ...

I was trapped in a similar way, you know. Sole breadwinner, continually told how awful I was, yet the other person stayed, too ...

I didn't end up having the courage to start the separation (she filed a protective order instead), but looking back, I realized how much my own image of my identity, basically ego, kept me right where I was. I thought I'd be giving up "Husband and Father", when the reality was that I'd never had those things.

Your mileage will undoubtedly vary. I hope you'll make yourself the most important thing in your life, the way it's supposed to be.

oh, that is a very tight spot

hmmmmmm........... is yer therapist any good? I really hate it when therapists are sucky

[i thought Solstice was a Ice-cream lolly - thats what it is over here anyways - hadnt realised it had a true meaning before a little while ago - sorry you guys really didnt need to know that - oops Sheeze Im so clever ]

You're right, Mark -- there is that other solstice, and someday I hope to relate to that one instead of the "dark side" of things. And maybe it is ego that keeps me where I am. Sometimes I look at my own behavior and wonder if I'm just pushing to make him leave, and then it won't be my fault...but I certainly don't have the courage to do it.

Finding...I don't know if my therapist is any good. I haven't been working with her that long, and I'm trying to keep an open mind (I'm a pretty goal-oriented person, so I tend to walk into therapy with a kind of "fix me now" attitude). But I have trouble telling her about the things I'm struggling with most, because they seem to upset her so much. And I have trouble with her advice, which just seems to be that I should be nicer to myself (that goal-oriented thing again ).

An ice cream lolly...ohhh, that sounds so good right now. Way better than my twisty, pseudo-intellectual musings on the origin of my screen name.

"Sometimes I look at my own behavior and wonder ..."

Don't we all? :-)

I certainly won't have the answers. I just wanted you to know I heard you asking the questions.

Well it sounds curious that you are upsetting her-- does she need to refer you to someone else?

Or is she just showing you a strong reaction? Do you trust her enough to mention that it feels you are upsetting her with the things you say in therapy?

There are some very concrete gains to be made with going at yer self talk and observing it for a while. One of the most powerful things I've learned is that the things I am saying to myself count.

I don't know if she needs to refer me to someone else. I brought up the fact that I do seem to really be getting to her, and she says she's OK, but it seems like anytime I bring up something really big, she kind of panics. For example, I was pretty brutally honest about how much I'm hurting in one session, and her answer was to suggest that I should go into intense inpatient treatment. The next week, she tells me she doesn't think that's the right answer, but she was just so upset by how much I was hurting that she made a bad recommendation. I know we all make bad recommendations sometimes, but now I feel like I have to protect her from my feelings...

Well if I were you I would venture one more time and say, I've been feeling like I have to protect you from my feelings. If she's the one for you, she will take that up and work with it bravely. If she can't, you may want to ask for a referral. I hope you get going with someone soon, Solstice! These things are very tough to tackle on our own

That's really good advice, Thinking. I'll do that, and see what happens.

I'm just going to point out, for humor's sake, that her screenname is 'finding ...'. I'll leave you to figure out where 'Thinking' came from. :-)

{Dr. Freud's slip is showing again ...}

Im not good with words tonight - but wanted to say im thinking of you and hoping that things become easier for you real soon Im sorry for your hurt

Ack -- sorry, Finding. Multitasking is not my strong suit.

And thank you, Sue, for your kindness yet again.

No problem, Solstice!!

Hope yer day is lighter today

how are you doing, Solstice?

just stopping in to say hey

I have to go in and read your blogs yet, but I wanted to drop you a quick hello for the moment. I would like to support you. You've been a wonderful support yourself and a valuable member of the community. I'll check in more later. Take care.