You could marvel at the structure in a flower' date=' or the sunlight flashing through the trees, or the raindrops pouring from the sky. [/quote']

I've always done this.

What would I do?

I'd tell everyone how much I loved them and ask them to be with me. I would want everyone to know how much I care about them and how I feel about them. I'd take them with me outside and ask them to hold me. Maybe sit in a big field and take in nature. Mostly I would want everything I want in my daily life...closeness with others and serenity with nature.

Stirring blog...

If I were to die tomorrow I would spend what little time I had, in the place in my heart I often visit - where all my children and I are together, and I get to cuddle them and tell them all how much I love them, and how wonderful they are.

Dying isnt a bad thing its natural - Its the way all our stories eventually end. Its the bits inbetween birth and death that make a life worthwhile

And Mark - Big Bro, thankyou for this blog entry

Time for me to try and live in my present - whilst I still can

"I've always done this."

I wish I did, Beth. That's part of why I wrote this.

And yes, Sue, death is on its way for all of us. That's not morbidity; that's reality. Life is what you do with that reality.

I find I have to keep reminding myself.

[i have to keep reminding myself too big bro - sometimes I need others to gently remind me also ]

You know, you called it "selfish", what you were trying to do, and I don't see it that way. There's a lot of your identity tied up in being a mother, but there's a lot of identity in just being Sue, as well.

What will Sue be like? What will she do with her days?

Those are questions I hope to see the answers to. :-)

Thats sneaky asking those questions on your blog

I wasnt expecting that !!! :eek:

Way to divert the attention away from yourself Big Bro - I aint falling for it though - so there

Soooo, I have a question for you if thats okay ?

Oh, you can feel free to answer them anywhere, sweety. You don't even have to say anything; just answer them with your actions.

Well, if I can answer it quickly, sure.

Why is the sky purple ?

(when you work out the answer - then you will know what my answers are to your questions - im being serious)

Because you're wearing rose-tinted glasses?

Somehow, that doesn't sound like the right answer, though ... :-P

{I have to run: therapy night.}

goodluck at therapy bro - I hope it goes okay.

{{{{hugs}}}}

take care

I’d spend my time with my mother-in-law…it would be the longest day of my life. Okay, old joke.

No one knows what they will actually do. I have been too close to this, too often, to know that what you think matters to you now may not matter as much to you now; a moment later. How you think you will react may be completely different than you react and how you feel may surprise you.

I have imagined us as prisms that can refract light, break up light into the colors of the rainbow, reflect light and even split light into components with different polarizations.

We are ever changing and brilliant…no matter what is happening in our life.

love the mother-in-law joke!

I love the mother-in-law joke too - sometimes the old jokes are the best

I have imagined us as prisms that can refract light' date=' break up light into the colors of the rainbow, reflect light and even split light into components with different polarizations.

We are ever changing and brilliant…no matter what is happening in our life.[/quote']

:) Comforting thoughts.

Yes, when I answered the question, I answered for right now. It's a thought-provoking question. I like those.

What would you do if you found out that soon, say tomorrow, you'd be dead?

Would it be wrong to answer this question by saying I'd be relieved?

I don't know. Maybe it's like Ken said--unless you are actually in that situation, it's hard to know what you'd do. But I know this was what I felt on Friday and again on Monday at least for a little while when I was making certain final plans. But obviously I didn't go through with it, so relief wasn't the only feeling. It did make things seem simple for awhile though and i think that goes back to what people have been saying--about focusing on the small meaningful things we overlook every day. Suddenly every action and interaction carries more weight....

It's so beautiful what you're writing here (ans yes, I include also pseud; I know the feeling that the perspective of dead is relieving ; but I believe, pseud, that... you'll get out of this sad state of mind soon... ) and I feel like adding my thoughts would be disturbing here ... but I'm writing in spite of this feeling as... I know I shouldn't let it to intimidate me...

I also agree with Ian that nobody can know this before he is in that situation, but I know that Mark realizes this, too and his question was meant differently - not to "find the truth about what we would really do" or "to build a plan to have it in case it really happens"...

For me, the most important things are: "clean all the foot-prints/trails" . I mean... to make sure that every personal info will be deleted from my computer and e-mail (and this website) so that nobody could get to know, after my death, what I've been hiding all the time. I'd like to leave/keep them here only their own memories, not "such a crap" as my diary and the letters to my therapist (that are not "crap" when he's reading them, but... would be very harmful to others, mainly my husband). So... I'd become "obsessed" by getting rid of this kind of stuff. And just after being sure, ... I think I'd be writing letters to many people to say them some important things that I wouldn't have the opportunity to say in person. And then, if I had any time left, then I'd try to spend my last moments with the loved-ones. But... it's too "tricky" as... I don't want them to see me dying!!! I'd like them to keep only the memories about me living... So... I'd like to die all alone. But I'm not really sure about this - I think I would let them to decide.

Sorry for this... "cynically practical" point of view :-(... But... I hope you see there my huge care about other's feelings...

My mother left notes and trinkets around the house, that I still find occasionally. I like finding pieces of her. It feels connective.

Maybe my feelings about this go back to my not wanting to be alone. I'd want to be held and surrounded by love and beauty, serenity. I would want the person with me to know they were giving me the greatest of comforts in this.

My mother left notes and trinkets around the house, that I still find occasionally. I like finding pieces of her. It feels connective.

I remember you've mentioned this elsewhere. I like the idea. But the notes were there intentionally, that's, of course, different than what I described (but I know you know this, I don't argue! ).

I think this is a good idea to consider - letting notes of this kind...

I would want the person with me to know they were giving me the greatest of comforts in this.

I like this! I remember I had already a similar idea - in the context of ideation about being terminally ill: It would be the best to make others feel like they are doing the best they can, that they are able to give me everything I want...

When will I learn to type out all my stuff in notepad, then copy and paste??? UURRGGGH!!!!

I had some cool stuff to say out the window of technology now! Gotta love it!

I remember the joke, Ken, though I'm not sure whether it was you or Lyn who told it here. And I apologize if this post brought up bad memories; you know that wasn't the intent.

And I wasn't deeply concerned with what we would "actually" do ... and I hadn't considered specifically the moment of death.

It's probably obvious, but what I was getting at was that we are dying, every day, but if we can use that as motivation to live every day, then it's not so bad.

Certainly, denying that we're dying or pretending or forgetting are part of how we cope with the fear, but it seems to me that we lose something that way, too.

Something that I was trying to remind myself of: that living is urgent. It has to be done now.

LaLa, I treasure the moments I got to spend with my mother on her last day, even though I was "seeing her dying". It was important to my acceptance of it, to know that she was suffering and that it was time for her to go. It hasn't touched my memories of her alive, but it made it easier to let her go.

There are no wrong answers, pseud. It seems that you're seeking relief, and simplicity. My question is, what stops you from giving them to you, and staying alive? My own period of suicidality gave me an interesting insight. It's that, if it's a choice between "solution X" and death, it doesn't much matter how dubious "solution X" seems, I would rather try it than death because if "solution X" doesn't work out, there are still the options of "solution Y" or death. If you go with the death option and it doesn't work out, well sorry, you're dead.

Seddy, what would you write?

And VA, what did you write? :-)

I would have to spend my last day making calls and writing emails and instructions for the care of my son. My husband would not be able to care for him by himself. I would guess it would be a horrible day trying to get everything in place for him and the only chance of getting them to comply would be telling them I would be dead tomorrow and that would be just uncomfortable. I would spend the rest of the day praying that I did not die because I know these "professionals" would fail my son as they always have. But, on the other hand, I accept I could go at any time and do the best to make each day count, try to have necessary plans in place and appreciate each day even the less than good ones.

Yes, Mark, I agree. It's about making now your life. I think the awareness of finality can be a blessing if we use that knowledge to propel us into living our lives more freely. No holding back. I think, also, what such awareness can do is to help us to be much more appreciative of everything. This is also a blessing. I know, for me, experience itself is that much more meaningful. I'm moved more easily. I feel more deeply. My heart is often very open...

All of which I discovered during grieving and facing loss. Today we live, but one day we will die. It's a good lesson.

lyn found that joke to be especially amusing. She posted it knowing she would die soon.

I understand what you are saying and I agree. I have learned if I fill my life doing what brings me pleasure, then when I have times that aren't so good, I have those pleasurable experiences taking up part of my mind and heart. They have become part of my daily life and that helps to off-set the lousy time.

If you think you would want to write someone a letter, leave instructions, sit in a field of flowers, surround yourself with people you love, tell someone you understand and love them, clean your computer or jump off a cliff (on a glider, of course) or marvel at the beauty of nature, then do it. Enjoy doing it.

Enjoy life. It is happening now. The more I enjoy living the less I think of or fear dying.

If I knew I was going to die I believe I would feel a sense of relief in that nothing matters anymore, nothing left to worry about, I would just want to be with my parents.

I'm glad you can connect with her sense of humor, k.

I never told my mother how much I loved her before she died and that still bothers me. I'm not making that mistake again.

Star, maybe you can find a space to truly be with your parents now?