I haven't posted to my blog in a long, long time. As a matter of fact, I haven't spent much time here at MHN recently either. Partly distractions, partly my attempt to turn fake quasi-worlds into real ones. I see so many people spending hours and hours on the internet and they don't do much else. It doesn't really solve their loneliness or depression.

It kind of reminds me of my therapy sessions. I would describe them like being in a box with a glass wall between myself and my therapist. Then I leave and nothing has got fixed outside of the box. It's not exactly real inside the box. And nothing changes. At least it feels like that a lot of the time. Although, sometimes there are some similarities between what happens inside the box and outside and something can be learned from them. Like my craving to get close to somebody then once I've achieved that I proceed to push them away. Happened inside the box, happened outside. Twice in the last few months, or three times if I count the guy who asked me "Are you trying to get rid of me?" No wonder he sat back and waited for me to make a move. The mixed messages must be incredibly confusing. It's partly doubt and indecision on my part as to whether I want to risk being with the person. It's like they're either too good for me and I'm going to get dumped eventually so just pre-empt them. Or they're not good enough for me so don't make the same mistake as I did over the last 20 years and settle for somebody who will just drag me down. Or I'm with somebody who has just as many issues as me and it's like the blind leading the blind. Like two dysfunctional corporations merging and hoping to get a functional one out of them. Pretty dicey even in the best of times. Perhaps if our shortcomings and strengths lie in different areas, we can build each other up. I guess it could work then. IF both parties recognize and want to work on their shortcomings. And IF they're going in the same direction, at about the same speed and have similar expectations of themselves. And IF they ADD to each other's lives, not detract from them.

Anyway, I've been in a mood lately. Generalized depression. Lots of little things - like an unsavoury work situation coming back to haunt me after 2 years. The chinese water torture of dealing with my ex on a way too frequent basis and the ever present threat of blackmail coming from his direction. The rent renewal reminding me I lost my house to my ex. My brother living off my Mom because he couldn't get off his ass and work for a living. (How the hell do I manage to surround myself with leeches?) My therapist taking a week off. Me going on a camping trip with my new 'friend' and there being something missing. Something not quite right.

I'm just so tired of being so down all the time. OK, so I'm not brutally lonely on all fronts at the moment. But that can change in a heartbeat. Who would want to be around the grim reaper once they see who's behind the cloak? Misery loves company but company does NOT love misery. No excitement, no fun, no life, no enjoyment, no energy, no motivation, no action, no purpose, no identity. I don't even fear death, only perpetual misery. If I should have an accident, my only wish is that it be minor or fatal, not something in between. I'm already living "in between". That is the status quo I so desperately wish to get rid of. My desires are defined by negatives. I don't want somebody like my ex. I don't want to make things worse. I don't want chronic pain. I don't want to procrastinate anymore. I don't want to live the way I'm living. I don't want to get taken advantage of again. I don't want a job that either bores me to death or stresses me into knots. I don't want to run out of resources.

Well, that was a delightful blog - NOT. Now I have to go paste my smiley face on and pick up my daughter to take her to a play-date. Here it is .