Snow Blind (trigger)
Thursday scored a gram of coke impulsively. Friend who I did it with last time said he was getting a bag did I want one too. I weighed the pros and cons, and clearly this would not be a good idea. My response, "I'm in, how soon can I come over?" The whole time I'm waiting my conscience is like, don't do it don't do it don't do it... except I knew that if I didn't I would just be obsessing over it for weeks until I broke down.
Shoved the whole bag up my nose over the course of the night and went through over a liter of vodka. I know this because I ended up going out to get more after killing the first bottle and made a little tick mark on the calendar for each shot that I poured. I miss being able to wake up and remember how many drinks I took.
This is not my normal behavior, and it was a dangerous amount of drugs given my current tolerance. Spent Friday coming down off the powder and wondering if I was having a heart attack at the same time. My hangover from the vodka just started... ouch.
Looking back this had nothing to do with fun. This was a suicide rehearsal. I'm training myself to overdose so that I won't think about it and chicken out once I've decided to do it for real. Coming down though, I thought I was going to die, and I wasn't too happy about it. Not that I wanted to personally live but that I felt guilty for being selfish. What if I had died - would my friend feel responsible? How could I do this to my boyfriend?
Why is a dangerous question to ask though. There is always more than one way to look at it. Possibly god was trying to get my attention, or I was trying to reach god by flirting with death. Either way, it seems like it worked. I saw a few things that could be real or not, but seem real to me. I have a hard time putting it in words though since it comes out sounding wrong.
The best I can say is that I'd been confused about what to believe, when everyone claims to speak for god but then they all disagree and end up killing each other. So far it looks like God doesn't make demands. That stuff about god being jealous looks like an error to me. How could perfect love be jealous? How can the organizing principle of the universe become angered, or feel disrespected? That is human projection. God is characterized in the Bible as some sort of imperial conqueror (King of kings/lord of lords), but also the bible says god is love. What I've learned from this experience is that I can either tune that in or tune it out. It's my choice.
You'd think the choice would be obvious, but it's not. Otherwise everyone would always do the right thing. It's a big responsibility to have a soul and sometimes it feels overwhelming trying to care fore oneself let alone others. So we run away, and then regret it and come back for as long as the lesson is remembered, then forget and run away again. Luckily, love is also patient. I would like to be more patient with myself.
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