better
I didn't get much done today but I have felt a lot better. I think what happened is trying to quit drinking made me more sensitive to anxiety.
Panic attacks are a double edged sword. The upside is you really get to see what is important in life. You know how people have these revelations after a near death experience? Well with a panic attack you really think you're going to die - and I see the stuff that I regret and would like to do better. So it's kind of like getting a NDE over and over and over again.
The downside is thinking you are going to die, over and over and over again. This is very stressful in itself and got me thinking about suicide again. Imagine being on death row and they keep walking you to the electric chair and strapping you in, and as you're bracing for the pain from the current, the guards go - "ha ha just kidding you live for now." That gets old fast. After a few times you wish they would quit yanking your chain and get it over with already.
I sort of just want to get my affairs in order, in other words resolve those regrets, and then if the crap is still there I will end it. However I am hoping that along the way I will move into a more optimistic frame of mind. The obstacle is that I don't think I should die before my mother. I mean she made her mistakes and I don't want to be around her just because of the bad memories, but still I don't think she deserves to attend any of her kids' funeral. That's too harsh.
I know that's really morbid but in a way I feel less depressed to start feeling more comfortable with death. To live is to die. Every moment we live, we are getting older, moving closer to our last breath. Coming to peace with one's own mortality should save a lot of angst in the long run, shouldn't it?
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