Crutch?
I have been doing some soul searching on whether I am merely replacing alcohol with Xanax, or if it could be (dare I hope?) medication that truly helps me. I think the answer is in what I'm getting done. I used to sit on the couch and stare at the TV all night. Without turning the TV on. Now I am cleaning up the house, cooking healthier food instead of takeout 2x/day - nothing phenomenal but for the first time in approx two years I have no urge to commit suicide. The intrusive thoughts are just... gone. I still have some problems with disorientation and they tend to turn up the most when I try to skip doses in the hope that I won't become addicted to this.
I'm not okay with this. I don't like the fact that I'm a normal person on powerful psychotropic prescriptions and a morose, moping, self-hating mound of a man-like thing in my natural state. There is also the nasty tendency of these meds to change over time; even my stalwart alcohol turned against me in the end. If the xanax stops working or my pdoc doesn't want to refill it, it will be very difficult for me to avoid things that go boom.
I can't control that though. In the mean time, it is extremely nice to be able to simply fold my laundry without having to go cry because of flashbacks, nor space out for 20 minutes because I'm drugged into zombieland. My hand-wringing about all the problems of the world never helped anyone, nor did any of my resentment gain me revenge against the man who terrified me well past the time when I was big enough to fight back.
So, what can I do? I can clean my bathroom, and make that corner of the world a better place. I can smile and say hello to people in the hallways at work (even when I feel down), and at least for those two seconds, I was a decent person. If I fail, so did a lot of people.
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