Oxymoron
I realized today that I have yet to discover how to have fun without intoxication. Fun being defined as the times when you take a break from inhibitions and formalities. Doing stuff you probably shouldn't do but it makes for great stories precisely because it was a dumb idea.
I can relax in terms of deep breathing or using exercise to beat stress, but I can't seem to turn off my internal self conscious awkwardness to blow off any steam. Maybe that's the next goal. "Sober fun" sounds like an oxymoron, but unfortunately drinking ain't fun anymore either since I got full blown panic attacks. My other chemical friends are coming out of the woodwork now too. Remembering feeling cosmic oneness with the world by taking large doses of painkillers.. Ack. I'm obsessing. This is not good. Going to my greatest strength, distraction. I am eminently distractible.
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