Through the Fog
The Risperidone is out of my system, though I'm still adjusting to feeling the mental and emotional pain it had numbed for a while. When the feelings of grief came rushing back to haunt me, it was overwhelming. It made me physically sick. Though, I must say, I can't talk about Charlie just yet, but when I think of him, I'm not just bursting into tears constantly. It's a few days shy of six months since he's passed away. The hurt and deep pain that hurts me to my very core has done nothing but gotten worse, but there are some parts of his being gone that I am accepting better.
Could be because I'm so worried about my dad's health at this point that it somehow has me distracted. Dad is really ill, though he's been able to avoid staying out of the hospital for several days now. It hurts me to see him so confused.
Being distracted as I am seems to have given my husband the opportunity to start back his old ways. I feel my marriage is in trouble. I caught him counting my pain medicine yesterday morning and I know it was to see how many he could get away with taking. Thank God I woke up and found them dumped out in front of him, not giving him time to help himself. I fear he's dabbling and has been, behind my back. I don't feel like he's being truthful to me. He still doesn't have a job and I'm tired of not being able to pay the bills. Christmas is coming up, my heart is breaking. No money, so much stress, and all I wish is that I could work. I miss working. How did I go downhill so fast?
Life keeps revealing more hardships. I'm broken. My heart is broken. I can't let my marriage go down the drain with the rest of what has been going on. Times like this makes me wonder what I've done to deserve such.
Now that the fog of the Risperidone has worn off, I fear it's just going to get worse.
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