I don't know
It hurts and I don't know why. I have a guess, but every time I think I've found a solution or had a valuable insight, I feel I've made progress for a little while, and then the demons are back.
Things have been going good in my life but I still feel like I've done something terrible or something terrible is about to happen. Maybe the consequence of something I've done that I forgot about. It's pure unmitigated anxiety - the kind that makes you sick before you are about to do something that is far outside of your comfort zone, except just breathing seems to make me nervous.
I am behaving better at least. Got some stuff done domestically, worked out with a guy I met at the bath house, and practiced bass a little. Felt OK for a bit of the day today, even had good concentration, which is a shock for me when it happens because I'm used to being scatterbrained.
So that was nice, but now it's back into physical and emotional pain that nobody IRL can be arsed to care about. I've been invalidated so many times, I'm starting to doubt myself, but if no one minds my pain, how can anyone say it's wrong to commit suicide? If I'm worthless let me go; if I'm not then stop treating me like I don't matter.
I've been setting and achieving short term goals lately to see if I'd feel anything. I don't. It's a little satisfying to cross something off the to do list but most of the time I feel like an impostor. Normal day to day stuff has no interest for me. I want to get high even though I know that wouldn't solve anything. There's nothing to solve...I just want it to stop hurting.
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