How is everyone feeling?

[LonelyGuy]

That's what worries me skynight that they are saying that because they are not attracted to me or interested in me in any way and this is their way of letting me down easy. I get bothered by that because I begin to think is this how it's going to be all my life, every time I meet a woman that I might want to have a relationship with she is going to say the same thing:(

[Fedup]

Feeling better now. Conversing with a new woman online and she messaged me first. She's good looking as well. Seems to be going well so far. I need to stop having knee jerk depressive reactions to everything negative. There's always tomorrow, especially at my age.

[Helplessly Hoping]

I'm feeling more anger/bitterness than depression. I haven't had any serious depression in years. I think that I just accepted my life of solitary confinement. I've accepted it but I've also accepted the pain that comes with it. Recently it has included physical pain. My stomach aches and my chest burns now when I get into one of these moods. Ulcer, maybe? It doesn't help that I intentionally read and watch stuff that will aggravate me.

[LonelyGuy]

I don't know how to get confidence it's a real struggle for me and I don't know what to do about it.

[nearlydead]

Lonely Guy,

You could look like Lassie taking a shit on a thistle, for all looks matter to the average woman, its the same with penis size. As ever, looks matter more to us than they do women. Thats the reason why women fuss over thier skin hair clothes and make up to improve thier appearance, as they wouldn't get laid without it.

(^^^^I know the above to be true, but I dont totally believe it)

However as men most of us can get away with being a bit smelly and out of fashion, because for women the phsyical is secondary to the personality.

Its wit, charm, decency and security that do it for women. Although it doesn't hurt to wash now and again.

As for confidence, if you knew how to get it, would you make the effort to get it?

[IrmaJean]

Its wit, charm, decency and security that do it for women. Although it doesn't hurt to wash now and again.

It's good to see you here, ND. Ever wise, as always.

Wit, charm and decency are all fine traits, I agree.

There is a lot to be said about the power of the mind, LG. I read of a study done on groups of men and women taking the same math test. One group of women was told they would be measured against the men in math skills, the other group was told nothing. Turns out the group that was told did worse than men, but the group that wasn't told got about the same grades. Conclusion? Sometimes if you expect the worst, the worst may very well happen. The trick is challenging yourself and opening your mind up to more positive possibilities.

Are you ready to take up ND's challenge to do something about your lack of confidence? Small successes can build on themselves. I hope you keep trying.

[Fedup]

The woman who I was talking to has mailed me her number. I'm going to call her today and I'm already nervous about it. How do I get the confidence not to stutter? I've already told her I'm shy but she doesn't seem to believe me. I'm not going for small successes here. I'm throwing myself in the deep end of situations which makes me anxious. I hope I swim. I can't seem to truly convince myself that I am great no matter how many times I say it.

[nearlydead]

The woman who I was talking to has mailed me her number. I'm going to call her today and I'm already nervous about it. How do I get the confidence not to stutter? I've already told her I'm shy but she doesn't seem to believe me. I'm not going for small successes here. I'm throwing myself in the deep end of situations which makes me anxious. I hope I swim. I can't seem to truly convince myself that I am great no matter how many times I say it.

Have a rough, but not rigid call plan. introduction, "Hi, my names??? thought I check out this number to see if its real" After this tell her you only have five minutes for the call, this stops you from rambling and leaves her wanting more. Next part, have 3 to 4 questions ready to ask her which require more than a yes or no answer. Listen to her answers and then comment on them. Dont ask her more than 5 questions or it will become an interogation. Who, what, why,type questions.

thirdly smile on the phone, it lifts the voice, tell her youre a little nervous, she'll like that, as she will be nervous also. Finish the call with "I've really enjoyed talking with you, can we do it again, as unfortunately I really have to go now."

Remeber she's given you here number because she likes the cut of your jib so far. She's looking for success as much as you are.

Good luck.

[Guest ASchwartz]

ND,

Good advice.

Allan

[performer-uk]

I'm feeling more anger/bitterness than depression. I haven't had any serious depression in years. I think that I just accepted my life of solitary confinement. I've accepted it but I've also accepted the pain that comes with it. Recently it has included physical pain. My stomach aches and my chest burns now when I get into one of these moods. Ulcer, maybe? It doesn't help that I intentionally read and watch stuff that will aggravate me.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but how does one know if he is depressed or not? Ive had some bouts of extreme trapped gas (to hospital even) which then resulted in me sleeping for several days - docs were worried about kidneys and cancer in the bowel but all tests are clear.

And then there are days I cannot get up, and just do very little, and have very negative thoughts - wanting the world to just go away etc.

Is that depression? For me its always been cycles like that, but having not lived anyone else's life I can never know if thats quite a normal thing and others just deal with it better or if it is quite severe or depression symptoms.

[IrmaJean]

Here is a link from the site to an article about depression.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=5&cn=5

I would imagine that the only way to know for certain that you have been experiencing depression would be through the diagnosis of a qualified professional. Hopefully the article does help to clarify things a bit more, UK.

[LonelyGuy]

I want to get confidence but I don't know how to, I'm tired of women only liking me as a friend and nothing more:mad:

[IrmaJean]

Friendships can evolve and deepen too, LG.

Forcing myself to present myself as confident actually helped me. It still doesn't come very naturally, but this gets easier little by little. Adjust your posture and smile a lot. What you project has an impact on what you receive from others. Or so has been the case with me. Set small goals to begin with and give yourself the opportunity to make positive changes. I hope you keep trying.

[Fedup]

I've actually got two dates now. The 2nd date seems to like me a lot I feel kinda bad that I'm going out on a date before meeting her because been talking a lot on MSN past 2 days. It does take the pressure off the 1st date a lot though. I think I best withdraw from MSN a few days as to not get too close. I think the 1st one is better looking but she's older and has a child already, not spoke to her enough to know personality. I like personality of 2nd one a lot and the fact she's a big talker will help when we're out. She's my age with no children as well. Is it ok to have multiple dates lined up?

I didn't call in the end I text instead which she didn't seem to mind. I don't know what I'm going to do if both would want to see me again. Never had to reject someone before would feel terrible.

[LonelyGuy]

Friendships can evolve and deepen too, LG.

Forcing myself to present myself as confident actually helped me. It still doesn't come very naturally, but this gets easier little by little. Adjust your posture and smile a lot. What you project has an impact on what you receive from others. Or so has been the case with me. Set small goals to begin with and give yourself the opportunity to make positive changes. I hope you keep trying.

Thanks Irma for the advice and the help, I will keep on trying I don't want to end up alone my whole life.

[LonelyGuy]

I've been feeling really bad lately due to this issue.

[IrmaJean]

We have a lot of new posters recently and I am glad that they are here reaching out for support and talking about their feelings. I have, however, noticed of late the absence of some of you. Maybe this is a positive thing and I hope that it is. But if any of you are still here and would care to write, I am wondering how you are doing?

[LonelyGuy]

In this month since I haven't posted anything I have been trying hard to change the way I think about this issue i have with size and my loneliness. I feel that women are starting to make me feel more depressed instead of making me feel better. I had an incident a week ago that made me feel really down, I was riding the train and this beautiful girl walked in, she was just my type blond and nice body. She looked like she workout lot because she had a sexy and toned body. My eyes were focused on her just like the other men that where in the train at that moment. She was with a guy probably her boyfriend but I couldn't be sure because they didn't seem to be affectionate towards each other, I mean if she was my girlfriend I would be hugging and kissing her. She didn't even look at me a single time and got off the train, I felt so down at the moment thinking this is just my type of woman and it was like I was invisible to her.

[malign]

Well, could we explore whether this thinking is realistic?

How about imagining that the girl did check you out. In fact, she's so attracted to you that she leaves her boyfriend for you, and now she's your girl.

How would you feel about her checking out other guys on the train?

I would imagine that most girls learn pretty early that even looking at a guy will seem like an invitation to him. So, they learn early not to look at guys. And, you have no idea about her own history; it's possible she's afraid of guys in public. A lot of girls are ...

I guess what I'm saying is that if you beat yourself up every time you meet a "dream girl", you're probably not going to make much of an effort to meet your dream girl ...

I would suggest, rather than idealizing women and then hating yourself for not being good enough, why not just talk to women the way you would talk to any other friend? You might find that they're not that different from us, in most ways. That includes insecurities and fears.

[Fedup]

In this month since I haven't posted anything I have been trying hard to change the way I think about this issue i have with size and my loneliness. I feel that women are starting to make me feel more depressed instead of making me feel better. I had an incident a week ago that made me feel really down, I was riding the train and this beautiful girl walked in, she was just my type blond and nice body. She looked like she workout lot because she had a sexy and toned body. My eyes were focused on her just like the other men that where in the train at that moment. She was with a guy probably her boyfriend but I couldn't be sure because they didn't seem to be affectionate towards each other, I mean if she was my girlfriend I would be hugging and kissing her. She didn't even look at me a single time and got off the train, I felt so down at the moment thinking this is just my type of woman and it was like I was invisible to her.

The fact that he wasn't paying her attention will be one of the reasons she is with him. Women like men to be unpredictable and challenging. If you give her everything too easy she'll run a mile.

[IrmaJean]

I feel that women are starting to make me feel more depressed instead of making me feel better.

Feelings of self-worth will have to come from within yourself, lonelyguy. Maybe you might try giving less power to others in creating your sense self-esteem.

She didn't even look at me a single time and got off the train, I felt so down at the moment thinking this is just my type of woman and it was like I was invisible to her.

Maybe she was thinking about her day at work? Or considering her plans for the upcoming evening? More than likely she was not intentionally ignoring you, LG. Perhaps under different circumstances, in a different situation and environment and in the absence of a current boyfriend, she may have been more open to noticing you, LG. That doesn't mean you don't have plenty to be noticed for...it just means the timing and place wasn't right this time.

I also think that those of us with an introverted shy type of personality can sometimes get caught up with our internal energy. We become very introspective at times. But for others to see us sometimes we have to express ourselves outwardly...or at least challenge ourselves to do so. If we sit and wait for life to happen, it may well pass us by. Try putting yourself in social situations around many different people and then taking steps to interacting more frequently. Practice introducing yourself again and again. Then try starting up conversation and being proactive with putting yourself in situations where you might find some success.

You might find that they're not that different from us, in most ways. That includes insecurities and fears.

Anyone care to see my list of these? It might get very long... What Malign says is very true, LG.

Women like men to be unpredictable ...

Try not to become caught up with generalizing...I actually dislike unpredictable and enjoy the company of strong, yet gentle and caring men. Everyone is different. There is a certain purity and beauty in that, I think.

I hope you are feeling better, LG.

[Fedup]

Strong being the key word. This is what we struggle with. The confidence to be strong and dominant because of our one major insecurity. I think I can be confident in fact I was very confident with last date. She probably thought I'd be a love god I was that confident but alas it proved not to be. I'm going to have to keep that confidence up because it will help me gain more experience and there'll be someone out there who likes me. It's a pity I didn't display the confidence with my previous date because she actually liked me in bed but I needed that experience to gain some confidence in the first place. They say everything happens for a reason. Time will tell if that bears fruit.

[IrmaJean]

Not currently presenting yourself as strong and confident doesn't mean you don't have inner strength or the potential to be confident. Our fears can hold us back sometimes. It sounds to me as if the last girl you were with may have been seeking out physical contact and wasn't looking for anything deeper. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and helps draw out your potential. I admire your not giving in to negativity and your resolve to keep seeking what you want in life. Best of luck, Fedup.

[Fedup]

I don't think so because she was saying stuff like "At least we've got our birthdays out the way" before we went to bed. It seemed she turned quite frosty as soon as we reached the bedroom. First on my kissing skills. She didn't criticise anything else from what I can remember. She seemed almost angry in the morning. I'm not sure if I did anything wrong apart from asking her if it was in a couple of times. Surely that couldn't have annoyed her that much? It's all just guessing games now anyway. She lied on her dating profile anyway. She said she was athletic when in fact she is overweight. She has no reason to take the moral high ground!

[flander]

We have a lot of new posters recently and I am glad that they are here reaching out for support and talking about their feelings. I have, however, noticed of late the absence of some of you. Maybe this is a positive thing and I hope that it is. But if any of you are still here and would care to write, I am wondering how you are doing?

no different than before. Waiting for my 8lbs of pens to show up.